Note that dating does not equate to a relationship. Dating does not equate to sex.
I’ve been hesitant with posting this blog post but here we go, and we’re not turning back.
Not so long ago, I dated guys based on a few irrelevant aspects like how good they were at conversation, how much they made me laugh and how nicely they dressed. I don’t think I cared much about…anything. I don’t think I even was deeply emotionally attached to anyone I was with for those reasons, and I’ll explain that concept in a second. I was always in need of an escape because life felt like a lot to deal with and I felt like I was missing so much. I think I dated because I needed to know that I could go home, unwind, debrief my day with someone, and bask in the feeling of being listened to and loved. How I date, and the type of people I chose to date, have changed. I believe that the more you learn, experience and want for yourself, that can ignite a chain of changes. I’m always reflecting on where I was, and how far I’ve come since then.
My parents are business owners, which meant that usually, business came first over little things which were not so little for me..like PTA meetings, or father-daughter dances, prize givings or sports days. It usually meant that they sent their secretary to make public appearances on their behalf, or had the helper fit into the parental role of showing me how to do certain things or listening to my questions. I would get connected emotionally with different staff my parents employed because they would play big roles in my life, then when they got fired or moved on–I was broken that they just stopped coming by one day.
I knew I was never deeply emotional connected to anyone…even people I was in relationships with because when we stopped talking, I never was heartbroken. I never felt distraught. I can’t even recall crying really. I was okay, and it was on to the next. I think I always built up this wall because like when I was growing up, I had to accept that people weren’t ever around for long, so with dating…I accepted that this was temporary and that shortly you’ll mean nothing to me. It was a twisted concept that seems cold but everyone has a coping mechanism, and that was mine not so long ago.
It was all these factors which made me seek solace in dating people that would fulfill these missing parts of me…being listened to, appreciated, sense of importance and reassurance.
Now, things have changed. My ‘type’ has changed, and so has my reason for dating. I don’t care much for wasting my time or anyone else’s time quite frankly. I get straight to it–what can you bring me to the table and what can I bring to the table?
Nowadays, it seems like questions like that are taboo, but if I decide to date you, I must be able to see a future with you or else I’m just wasting my energy and my time. My ‘type’ has to definitely be ambitious. If I ask you what you’re doing with yourself or what you plan on doing and you have no idea whatsoever? Why would I throw myself into that? I’m not going to ‘ride or die or struggle’ with you honestly. I’m not going to deal with my man calling me when I leave work to bring home something for him to eat cause he at home all day figuring out what he wants to do with himself. I’m working on myself financially and mentally, and if you aren’t pushing that same effort then it makes absolutely no sense. Cold, but true. I’ve seen women with that same ideology and are called gold diggers for wanting a man that is financially stable. And just so the playing field is level, financially stable men shouldn’t be getting with unambitious women. If that’s your thing, then go for it but it won’t ever work for me.
My potential man has to be sweet, thoughtful and loving in every aspect of the word. Tell me. Show me. Little things matter, and if you can appreciate that then you’re for me.
My potential man has to love the idea of a marriage, success, family, building and growing together. If we’re on the same wavelength, and working towards the same goal it makes it that much more productive.
He has to love and appreciate his own family. There’s a saying that goes “marry a man who loves his mother as how he treats his mother is an indication of how he will treat his wife”. That pretty much sums that up.
It’s impossible for me to touch base on everything that makes the ideal person for me, but when you know…you know.
With my current mindset, If I make the jump from dating to actually being in a relationship, it’s because I see these things in them, and I’m dedicated to pushing things as far as the Universe can possibly allow with them. I’ve been told that I should lower my expectations because I won’t find the perfect guy, and you know what…that’s true. Absolutely nobody is perfect, but accepting that fact is not me settling for less. It’s me accepting that once you’ve met some simple criteria, that your shortfalls are workable.